Bishop Hushpuppi: Made in America

 Bishop Hushpuppi: Made in America

By: Dr. Ugoji Egbujo

Before he departed for the wilderness, he had left a prayer on his Instagram page for his three million fans. After thanking God for making him wealthy, he begged the Almighty to shame those seeking to bring His beloved Hushpuppi to shame. Over 70,000 persons chorused Amen.

If he had had a better premonition, he might have chosen the right background for that prayer post. A church building rather than a gleaming Rolls Royce bought with stolen money might have touched God. Unfortunately, some FBI agents rather than social media gnats were already on their way to the Versace Apartments in Dubai.

The extraordinary rendition happened. Haters laughed like people laughing last. But the rest could be a Nebuchadnezzar story. Reign, wilderness, and return to absolute glory. Nigeria teems with impressionable minds.

In 2041, or earlier, Bishop Hush could come back from prison with a lavish American accent to tell Lagosians God used the FBI to save his soul. He might add Paul to his long list of names. And his wowed congregation would pray anew to God to punish his haters. Then, his electric Rolls Royce and private Jet, bought by the poor for God, would adorn social media pages again. Once in a while, he could brag that had he not left the world in 2020 and found Christ in America, he would have become richer than Dangote, and the congregation would applaud and marvel at the gift of a pastor with a mafia pedigree. 

At some other time, he might blame his tragedy on Nigeria, who denied her “best brains” opportunities and forced them into cybercrime. And the members of the Youth Fellowship in his church will clap and hop, giddily.

In his bedroom 2041, Bishop Hushpuppi would tell his wife, an ex-beauty queen, that he was simply unlucky. And he won’t be lying. He would point at his former colleagues in the cybercrime world, occupying high public offices and shake his head. What even flippant pastors say in church is carefully arranged.

Pastor Huspuppi or PeeHushpee, as his congregation might prefer for fondness, would tell his wife, mummy Hushbee, dirty private stories of the mugus he skinned with some governors or ministers. Mummy Hushbee would respond, “Daddy, God let it happen for a reason. He chastises only those he loves. Look at you now.” Bishop Hushpuppi would tilt his head and say, “O yes. O yes. In everything, we must thank God. Am I not the one controlling the Lord’s flock now? Governors now call me daddy.”

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